Writing again

I am writing again.
In the past writing has brought me peace, helped me process my thoughts and feelings, but since my last surgery I've found it difficult and exhausting. I haven't written a single journal entry, blog post, or even a simple poem for four years. Then, I started reading my old blog posts. I felt the strength of my thoughts, the pain in my words and the anxieties that come with chronic health problems, which made me sad. I also found many happy memories, joyous moments captured in time, and positive support from readers. With all that in mind, I decided even though sometimes it hurts to face life head on, sometimes feeling the hurt is the only way to move into the light and feel the joy. So, after not writing for a very long time, I picked up my journal and wrote. It felt good. I felt calmer after putting my joys and sorrows on the page, it felt like talking to an old friend. Now, I have decided to start writing my blog again. After reading comments left by a few readers saying my words helped or inspired them, I realized that's what I want right? To tell my story, process my feelings, and maybe end up making someone else feel better with my words.

I'm not going to try to update the past four years, but my oh my how things change. Don't get excited, my health is still poor and life is still hard most days...but L (my son) has grown into an amazing young man, we moved into a great house in the same town as my family and I haven't had a surgery since 2012! We have added an extremely sweet, extremely affectionate little rescue dog, named Piper, to our family. Overall, the past few years have been pretty good. I've added a few diagnoses, I've had to accept the fact that I won't be having the second baby we've always wanted and some major dramas have occurred, but as usual we found a way through it as a family.

Today, I will leave you with a happy story...
When L turned 10 years old the only thing he wanted for his birthday was to adopt a dog. We already had a pooch, Gordon, but he was very attached to me and L wanted a dog to bond with him in the same way. So, we started looking. L found a little, reddish brown, twenty-five pound, eight month old girl that was in an animal foster home. We made a deal that L would care for her, clean up after her and take her through the 4H dog obedience program. (I know what you're thinking, but let me finish.) The day this little, fury baby came home we discovered she had been returned to the foster group twice, she didn't really know her name or the word "no", and she wasn't properly housebroken. All of that aside, she was moody, hungry, and had a habit of hiding toys instead of playing with them. The first night L scooped her up to take her to bed with him, she lay down on top the blanket with her back to him and growled when he tried to snuggle. L was patient, kind and consistent with this little red dog he named after a Phish song. He cleaned up her messes, fed her, played with her, lover her, and with a little help, quickly housebroke her. Over time Piper became the most affectionate, sweet, gentle dog I have ever had in my life. She began sleeping under the covers, as close to Logan as she could get, then she discovered room on his pillows for her sweet face. The next spring L and Piper joined 4H. He learned how to be a good dog owner, how to train her in basic obedience and she learned to be good, polite, sociable pooch, she learned to focus on L's words and body language. The two of them completed three years of the 4H program, three obedience competitions, and two years of another competition called Rally.
There are many days Piper's love and affection bring light to my world. This little dog with a huge personality, with so much love to give. Most would say we rescued her, but really, she was just always meant to be with us. She lays next to me as I type, comfortable and secure between my legs and the back of the couch, her breathing slow and steady, this amazing dog that was returned twice so we could bring her home forever.

My little scholar

Logan is getting ready to start fourth grade. He will be ten years old in November, he is thin but tall for his age, he is extraordinarily smart and can interact with any adult, but he is still an extremely silly nine year old boy.

This past school year he was placed the 'high ability' program. This meant being in a mixed third/fourth grade REACH classroom following a fourth grade curriculum, with fourth grade field trips, standards, and specials. We were asked to teach him multiplication/division prior to the first day of third grade and there was some differentiation in reading, math, and spelling. Logan made straight A's, tested very well, and rarely had any homework, all while he was sick three months of the last school year. Late in the school year they announced that the high ability program was being revised. They are switching from a 'classroom model' to a 'cluster model'. The incoming fifth/sixth graders will still be in a 'classroom model' mixed class for one more year, but the incoming third/fourth graders will move to the 'cluster model' and be grouped in classrooms with their age group peers. The problem with this is the fourth graders are basicly repeat the same fourth grade curriculum, with a few changes in materials and a few additional enrichment projects. For many of the students this will be fine, probably a good idea to review concepts they had difficulty with last year, but for Logan this far from appropriate. I am not one of those parents that just thinks my child is the best - Logan really, truly is amazingly smart. The Asst. Principle of Logan's school put it this way, "Logan is like having a special education student on the other end of the spectrum." We are currently in the process of having him assessed for giftedness in hopes it will help us to know how to meet his needs emotionally and academically.

I have spoken with the school a few times now, but there is no clear plan for a kid like Logan. No way to guarantee he will be challenged and stimulated in a classroom that is following the same standards/curriculum as last year. Our options are limited now that school starts in a week and we don't have the personal funds for private schools. At this time we are planning on enrolling him in one of the state's two public virtual schools for fourth grade, with hopes of returning to 'brick & mortar" school next year. I worry about whether or not we are making the right decision for Logan's future. I wish I could look into the future and see that our choices are going to give him all he needs to grow and learn. We cannot be afraid of trying new things - who knows, this may turn out to be the perfect learning situation for Logan and if its not, we can always go back to the local, traditional public school.

If you have any ideas, tips, or recommendations please leave me a comment or send me an email. I hope you're having a great day! Go outside, enjoy the sunshine, and all the beauty around in your life. I'll post again soon.

Life lessons

I've been thinking a lot about Logan's upcoming birthday . . . ten years old. First of all, I cannot believe my little man is almost ten years old already! Then, I started asking myself if I have taught him all the things he needs to know by this point in his life? He knows all the basics that any ten year old should know: brush your teeth at least twice a day, tie your shoes when they come untied, eat well, do your homework, respect others, and try to make good choices. I know he is a very intelligent boy and he will be an amazing adult, but as his momma there is more I want to teach him. . .

Treat others as you would like to be treated - this includes living beings,
Always save some of your income - you never know when a storm is coming,
Read daily,
Laugh big,
Pet and play with your dog every single day,
Live well,
Take time to appreciate your life - moments big and small,
See the beauty in your surroundings,
This family will always have your back and love you no matter what,
Work hard, then play hard,
Don't ever be afraid of a challenge,
Don't ever be afraid to fail,
Treat yourself,
Treat your family with love, respect, and kindness,
Be positive,
Love with all you have,
Respect yourself and take care of your body - you're the only you we have,
And never, ever forget your momma loves you more than words can say

I would also like for him to learn Spanish and a musical instrument, but that is a slightly different kind of lesson than the list above. I'm sure there is more, but that is off the top of my head.

I know Logan can do amazing things in life, especially with the right guidance - I just hope we are giving him the best start he could have. This is something I think about daily, but in the end all I can do is hope we're making the best choices for his future.
I know I write a lot about my motherhood anxieties, but this is my "full time job". That's all for today. As always, I hope you're having a wonderful day and take the time to see the good in your life.

2012

If I had to sum up this year so far in one word it would be: challenging. . .
Logan was sick off and on from October to January, then consistently from January to April. He missed almost three months of school before it was over, was very sick, and had me sick with worry. After a trip to Riley Hospital and many painful days, Logan's colon started functioning again, he regained his strength and went back to school! He was able to maintain straight A's on his report cards and score 100% on Indiana's I-READ3 mandated test. In March the principal called and asked that I bring him in for testing, then he could come home as soon as he was done. . . Logan still scored in the 'pass plus' range for both math and language on the third grade I-STEP testing. Thankfully, he is doing well now. He returned to school full time the first week of April and is now off all meds. The silver lining to this big, black cloud is that he was scanned to look for Chiari Malformation and it was NEGATIVE!!

Around the same time my neck started having pain, clicking, and cracking.  My local doctors feel surgery is needed do to problems with my cranial cervical fusion.  My next post will have more details, but surgery number five is being scheduled soon.

There have been several other bumps in the road this year, but these are the two biggies.   A few good things have happened too. . . My sister-in-law married a great man, Logan/Caleb/mother-in-law/father-in-law and I  went to Chicago for spring break, and Caleb/I celebrated our tenth anniversary.

I will try to be a good blogger and post more frequently;)  Between trying to keep up with Logan, enjoy summer, organize my messy house, and spend some time with family it has been a busy summer.  Oh, and there is the matter of the little surgery I'm trying to schedule. 

As usual, I hope you are doing well and taking the time to enjoy the little things in life! 

Really real

Has it really been this long?

Well, it seems my blogging runs in cycles with my pain and stress level. It occurred to me this morning that I haven't posted in a while. . . more like four months!!! I'm going to play a little game of catch up, so that you can understand why I have been so neglectful.

1. My last post was about my dear, sweet Ava and her first birthday. I am VERY excited to announce Ava's mommy/daddy are pregnant and due in July! Please, send the Bryan family lots of good thoughts, love, and prayers.

2. In early October I started having some rather annoying pain in my low back/abdomen. I went to my doctor, who ordered some tests and they found hemoragic cysts on my left ovary - note the cysts were on my left side, but the pain is on the right. The right sided pain was chalked up to free floating fluid from the cysts, and I was treated for ovarian cysts. A few weeks later the exact same pain, on my right side, in the exact same place was back and it was worse than ever. I went back in for a abdominal CT scan and this time there was a kidney stone on the right, and my right lung was infiltrated with pneumonia. Well, this explains the right sided back/abdominal pain. In December I was re-scanned and the kidney stone hadn't moved, but my lung was clear. Since then I have been having a lot of pain and spasming with this kidney stone. I have seen a urologist, but she isn't convinced the primary cause of the pain is my kidney stone. She believes there is a problem in my colon/intestines and it is causing inflammation which is then effecting my kidney and the small stone inside. I am scheduled to see a gastroenterologist later this month - I've been to many over the years, so I'm not sure what they're going to do, but it probably will involve some sort of scope and won't be any fun. I know I have gastroparesis due to vagus nerve damage, which is why I am not always able to digest food, but we will see what this new doc has to say.

3. Logan played his first season of basketball. We live in Indiana and around here kid's basketball programs start as young as 4 yrs. old. My husband/I have tried to expose Logan to several sports and at some point he will choose the what he likes to play. Out of all the sports we've tried - football, soccer, t-ball, swimming - basketball seems to come easiest to him. Now if I could just figure out how to make him more aggressive/competitive on the court he'd be good little baller. Logan really enjoyed the season, he learned a little about the sport, made some new friends, and had a great time. . . even though his team was 2-12.

4. The holidays were rather uneventful. No big fights at family get togethers, no major drama - just good family time, a few laughs, and Logan was spoiled rotten. As usual I sent out photocards and made some goodies to give away. A few of my crafts took longer that expected, but most of it worked out in the end.

5. My gorgeous little man, Logan, has been sick for weeks now. It all started in November when he was put on anti-biotics to treat bronchitis and it constipated him almost immediately. By Christmas we thought he was back on track. Three weeks ago I got a call from the school to come pick up Logan because he wasn't feeling well. He was home one day and then we sent him back. Later that day I brought him home early again, we end up finding out he has strep throat and he goes back on anti-biotics. After ten days, he is no better and had the strep rash upgrading him from strep to scarlet fever, so we start him on a stronger anti-biotic. Now this whole time Logan does not have a fever, is complaining of headache/abdominal pain, and his tonsils/lymph nodes are swollen, but he doesn't complain about his throat. Five days into the stronger anti-biotic he doesn't seem to be getting better, so I take him in for a mono test and abdominal x-ray. The mono test is negative, but the x-ray shows severe constipation and his entire large intestine is impacted. He is automatically put on a laxative and stool softener. Three days later, this past Wednesday,he spiked a fever, so he had an abdominal CT scan to make sure the appendix isn't inflamed and look for infection - luckily, it came back clean. So, Thursday he was put on a "super-laxative" and we were told he would be cleaned out within 48 hours. It is now Tuesday of the following week, Logan is still miserable with belly pain and he has had maybe four good sized bowel movements, but he's no where near cleaned out. Each morning he is waking up in pain, I find him moaning in fetal position begging me not to make him move. Its so much easier being the patient. He missed twelve days of school, and this is his second day back. I feel horrible forcing him to go to school when he is so uncomfortable, but we are doing all we can to get him feeling good again. Logan is going to a pediatric gastro next week - I just pray we can get some answers and help.

6. My sister-in-law, Emily, got married! Logan was the ring barer, Caleb walked their momma down the isle and I got to take LOTS if pictures. We all had lots of fun, Emily was beautiful, and I'm no longer the only "in-law" in the family!

I think that covers the basics. I will post more details later, and try to keep you all updated on Logan's belly. The past few weeks and months have been hard for me, but I'll try to keep posting regularly. I'm trying to stay positive, look at the bright side, and just keeping moving.

Purple is her color.

If you have read many of my posts you probably remember my some written about my angel, Baby Ava. She came into this world to teach us all a little something about life, but she was not meant to stay with us for long. Ava Jean Bryan would have turned one this coming Tuesday. We all miss her, love her, and would do anything for her to be with us - but that just wasn't His plan. As this milestone comes closer I have seen Ava's momma, Angie, find the strength to settle into her new life. Don't be mistaken, she will never move on, get over it, or be without that pain, but she is starting to settle into what life will be without Ava. I'm sure some of you have lost someone close to you and there are always moments when you stop to think, "I wish they were here," to feel this joy, see this beauty, or be part of a life changing moment. . . I can only imagine that she feels that everyday. Even in moments of pure joy, somewhere in her heart Angie will be thinking, "I wish Ava was here."
I was with Angie last night while she was working on a baby book for Ava. It was a beautiful, handmade scrapbook one of her crafty friends made as babyshower gift, so all she had to do was put in the pictures and captions. Angie made the comment that this was perfect for her because most traditional baby books have pages for writing things like babies first tooth, baby's first word, favorite food, and so on. I had never even thought of that. There are so many little things that people take for granted . . . how many of you have a baby book that you never even took the time to write in? I was reminded in that moment we all have something in life that is really hard, we all have something that consumes us at some point, but it is up to us to find a way to make it through. Angie is so strong and amazing, she is finding a way to live her life in the shadows of a deep loss and profound sadness. She is finding a way to move forward through all the pain, sadness, anger, and tears.
Ava helped me to remember that even on my darkest days, in my most painful moments, when I think I just can't do this anymore - there is always someone in more pain, more misery, and worse health. I wish my life were different and some days it is hard to accept that I will be in pain every second of the rest of my life, but I'm here with an amazing family and good friends. I may not be living in my dream house, drive a fancy car, or go on lavish vacations, but I don't need those things to have a full life and be happy.
Ava fought over two months to stay strong, beating the odds time after time. Angie's hope, love, and devotion never fading for a second. The two of them have a bond stronger than most mothers/babies. They made a deal in one of their many late night talks - Angie understood she had to go, she understood she was meant to change lives and she did, so now Angie would have to carry on her message. As hard as it has been, I know Ava is proud of her mommy - Angie has started an annual Baby Ava Legwarmer, toys, and clothes drive to benefit the children at Riley Hospital for Children, and has plans to start a Baby Ava Charity. I continue to feel connected to Ava, just before Mother's Day after thinking of her all day I felt a very strong need to dye Angie a purple scarf. Purple was Ava's color, and I know she wanted me her mommy to have a beautiful, purple scarf for Mother's Day.
It is so easy to get caught up in our own lives - we may not talk to the people that mean the most to us as often as we should, we may not make time for the simple moments like just spending time with a good friend or taking advantage of the little time we have with you children. Life is hard enough, take the time to celebrate the good in your life, take the time to enjoy your life! Whether you realize it or not, every life is a gift not a given. . . Ava taught me that.