Before Logan was born I was a nanny for four beautiful boys. I took care of them for about two and half years. . . my first day the boys were 6wks, 18mos, 3yrs, and 4yrs old. Caleb and I were married on this family's property - four acres sitting on the lake where I have boated my entire life, it was an outside wedding under a big white tent, overlooking my lake. We had a dance floor, a good DJ, yummy food, and most of the people we love. It was the perfect ending when we left by boat, my uncle's Baja, with tail pipes set to rumble and "just married" sign on the back. Much of that day was a gift from this wonderful family. My last day I was having contractions all day, twenty minutes apart and Logan was born two days later. I thought my experiences with my boys and their parents had prepared me completely for being a mother of a new baby, and had given me a preview into day to day married life. . . it makes me laugh to think I truly believed that once upon a time.
Our nine year anniversary is the end of this month. Wow, we were so young when we got married - twenty-two and twenty-three at the time. Its funny how the view changes, I vividly remember during that time thinking the exact opposite - "We're not too young to get married. We're adults, supporting ourselves in this world and we're ready." In the spirit of totally honesty - we had been together for three years and we were given the miraculous surprise of Logan. I had been told I would not be able to have children, so he has been and always will be the biggest blessing of our lives. We had decided we were going to be married, Logan just upped the time frame.
People tell you marriage is hard, "it takes work". And they're right it does, but most things worth having take work. . . No one is perfect, and no one can be calm, cool, and collected all the time so, there are disagreements, and yes there are moments you may not like each other, but at the end of the day this is your partner in life. I love my husband - I love him for being my friend, lover, biggest fan, and for always wanting only the best for me and our son. He was twenty four when I had my brain surgery, and he was supportive, kind, and strong. Not all twenty four year olds could handle something like that, with a two year old and work also depending on him. He would never admit that he did anything special, but to me he has always been my strength and my protector. I believe that all this has made us stronger, I hope I'm right;)
About a month after Logan was born I started to wonder why no mother ever talks about this time. . . the time period when being a mother is much harder than you ever dreamed. No sleep, feedings every two hours (yes, I breastfed Logan until he was 1yr), the baby cries - but you don't know why, and the world just keeps on moving without you for the first time in your life. You only know what I'm talking about if you've had a baby, there is no other way to understand that first three months.
So, what's the big secret? Why not just be honest? Why not tell every mother out there that the first three months is REALLY hard? I remember feeling like I must not be doing something right, because sometimes he would just cry and I couldn't figure out how to help him. No one told me that sometimes- especially in the beginning when the baby is recovering from birth - babies cry just because! It doesn't make you a bad mother if your baby doesn't come out of the womb eating, sleeping, and cooing "like a baby." Even with my time as a nanny for an infant, and three young boys I didn't know what was coming my way. I loved those first months- the new sounds, smells, and feelings of being a new family, watching the person you created seeing the world for the first time, or just holding him for hours dreaming of our lives together. However, those first weeks were sleep deprived, emotional, isolated, and difficult. . . I felt lonely, frustrated, and tired.
I was dumbfounded as to why no one had ever talked about this part of early parenthood, why all the secrecy? I actually asked the mom of the boys I cared for and she said she didn't really know why mothers don't share these experiences openly, but everything I was going through was "normal". There was one baby book she gave me explaining why babies cry, how to identify different cries, and what to do about them. Then, it tells you sometimes they cry because they were in a warm, soft, quiet place before we plunged them into this bright, loud, cold world and they're not very happy to be here. This book was enlightening!
I think most mommies want to appear to be perfect, beautiful, and under control at all times . . . if you have a child you know that is an unattainable goal! So, we should all be honest with each other - stop trying to appear perfect for the world and start sharing all your little secrets: Logan cried a lot as a newborn, ate every other hour, and was NOT a good sleeper; Caleb and I fight sometimes, we get on each others nerves, and at times he drives me crazy; my house is so unorganized it irritates myself and my husband but still I can't seem to get it under control; Logan is probably the smartest kid I know, but he doesn't remember basic day to day things and sometimes he talks in gibberish. These aren't huge revelations or anything, but its a start. It is normal for mommies to have imperfections, it is normal for us to have needs, and it is okay to let the world see that.
Accept help, ask for advice, and share your worries - I promise it feels good, and there is a reason for the saying, "two heads are better than one." Think of your friends and family as guides to help you on your journey through life, we all have our own experiences and have something to offer each other.
So, no more secrets, no more false perfection, time to be honest with yourself, your family, and your best friends. If you want to share any of your mommy worries feel free to leave a comment:)
