Ten Things Tuesday

Recently I have been reading several other blogs on a regular basis. One of the regular posts I always enjoy is 'Ten Things Tuesday', so I decided to give it a try myself. I hope you enjoy. . .

This is my very first Ten Things Tuesday list so, instead of picking one topic to write about, I'm going to tell you ten things you may or may not know about me.
1. Some of my favorite things are: chocolate, snuggling with my son to watch a movie, my pooch, potatoes, diet coke, green tea, my lake, my family, swimming in the summer sun, my friends, being crafty, tie dyeing, live music, yummy food, reading a good book, camping, hiking trails, and laughing as much as possible.
2. Our pooch, Gordon, is a BIG part of our family life. After our German Shepherd died, I found Gordon at a local Humane Society. He was just a puppy, the last of his litter, and was scheduled to go to a rescue group the very afternoon I adopted him. A little, white pup with tan spots on his right shoulder, and ear - he was adorable. I was just six weeks post-op from spinal cord detether/discectomy, so my uncle drove Logan and I to get Gordon. Of course we all fell in love with him at first sight, and he has been spoiled rotten from that moment on. You will see him in my posts, he travels with us a lot, boats with us always, and is generally in the middle of whatever we're doing. He has been an amazing addition to our family, and I encourage everyone to adopt or rescue a dog instead of buying one from a pet store or breeder.
3. I love to watch cartoons with Logan! I love all the Marvel movies - Ironman, Hulk, X-men, all of them. We spend more time than we should watching cartoons and movies, but it is something for us to enjoy together even on my worst days. I don't think it has be harmful to him, but it isn't something that I think is good for him either. Right now we are watching the Avatar series, its a great if you haven't seen it, and we both really like this time we spend together being lazy on the couch.
4. About a year ago a friend talked me into reading the Twilight series. . . I had said I would never read this series of books, but once I started the first one I was hooked! Some of my other favorite books are: Harry Potter series, books by Emily Giffin, Meditation as Medicine, The Host. If you have any recommendations please let me know - I'm always looking for a good read, especially in the summer.
5. All the artwork in our house is either framed Logan art, or framed concert posters. When my husband and I travel it is often to see live music, generally Phish. We have started a collection of signed, numbered concert artwork and love displaying it in our home. I also love showing off Logan's artistic ability by framing his artwork - I'm getting ready to frame his second grade artwork and using it to decorate our bedroom. I also am working on a wall of black and white photos of our grandparents and great-grandparents. I am trying to surround myself with things that have meaning in my life and let go of the rest.
6. Good music is something that brings a smile to my face. I enjoy most types of music, and honestly feel that music makes the soundtrack to our lives . . . how many memories of yours are connected to a song, or album. My childhood was accompanied by the Beach Boys, Neil Diamond, Buddy Holly, and many of the 'golden oldies'. During my early teen years I listened to Elvis, Bon Jovi, Snoop Dog, Counting Crows, Led Zeppelin, Bob Marley . . . until I found the Grateful Dead. At that point I found a whole new world of music: Jerry Garcia, Miles Davie, Davis Grisman, The Band, CCR, Buddy Guy, Clapton, and so many other artists the list could go on forever. Now that I'm all grown up I still enjoy a lot of the same music, but have added Jack Johnson, Talking Heads, Phish, Adele, Nora Jones, Jonny Cash. After my first Phish show I was hooked! The music, the light show, the energy of the crowd, and the people watching. Now we try to see them a couple times a year and we listen to great music everyday - Logan loves music, and he has grown up listening to all types: blues, jazz, jam, classical, oldies, rock. Music makes up the soundtrack to our lives - what does yours sound like?
7. I'm a pretty crafty girl. I like to scrapbook, photography, make mosaics, sew, tie dye, or anything else that sounds fun to create. I've made blankets for many of my friends babies, each one designed special for each baby, and for a dinosaur blanket for Logan. I love to design something and then create it! My most recent creations have been hand dyeing scarves - they are tie dyed technically, but not with lots of colors, just different shades of one color. It has been so much fun to draw a design for a scarf and then actually have it in my hands hours later! We will see what happens with my scarves - I'm in the process of starting an ETSY page, but need have a wholesale source, and a business name first. I'm thinking, Threads To Dye For. What do you think?
8. I don't know about you, but I've turned into a bit of a reality TV junky. The Real Housewives shows and the Kardashian's array of shows are my favorites. I'm the first to admit it is mindless, pointless TV, but sometimes that's exactly what I need.
9. I would probably be classified as 'all natural'. . . I don't wear makeup, trendy clothes, or high heel shoes. Don't get me wrong - I think other woman look good in all of those things, its just not for me. I like to be comfortable, and wear things that make me feel good, whats "in" doesn't really concern me. I'm not saying I'm a 'natural beauty' or anything, but I am comfortable in my own skin.
10. This blog has gone from a little way for me to write down a few of my thoughts and feelings, to something that I look forward to writing. I'm trying to write everyday, and I hope you enjoy what I have to say. Those of you that know me know that I am extremely extroverted and would talk to just about anyone about anything. So, I am going to set the goal of writing a post everyday, and hopefully you all won't get bored by what I have to say!

Well, that's it. My very first Ten on Tuesday blog! Hope you enjoyed finding our a little more about me. . . Next week I'll try to be a little less self-absorbed and find a topic that isn't based solely on myself;)
Have a great day, and, as usual, I hope you can find a reason to smile!

Why the big secret?

Before Logan was born I was a nanny for four beautiful boys. I took care of them for about two and half years. . . my first day the boys were 6wks, 18mos, 3yrs, and 4yrs old. Caleb and I were married on this family's property - four acres sitting on the lake where I have boated my entire life, it was an outside wedding under a big white tent, overlooking my lake. We had a dance floor, a good DJ, yummy food, and most of the people we love. It was the perfect ending when we left by boat, my uncle's Baja, with tail pipes set to rumble and "just married" sign on the back. Much of that day was a gift from this wonderful family. My last day I was having contractions all day, twenty minutes apart and Logan was born two days later. I thought my experiences with my boys and their parents had prepared me completely for being a mother of a new baby, and had given me a preview into day to day married life. . . it makes me laugh to think I truly believed that once upon a time.
Our nine year anniversary is the end of this month. Wow, we were so young when we got married - twenty-two and twenty-three at the time. Its funny how the view changes, I vividly remember during that time thinking the exact opposite - "We're not too young to get married. We're adults, supporting ourselves in this world and we're ready." In the spirit of totally honesty - we had been together for three years and we were given the miraculous surprise of Logan. I had been told I would not be able to have children, so he has been and always will be the biggest blessing of our lives. We had decided we were going to be married, Logan just upped the time frame.
People tell you marriage is hard, "it takes work". And they're right it does, but most things worth having take work. . . No one is perfect, and no one can be calm, cool, and collected all the time so, there are disagreements, and yes there are moments you may not like each other, but at the end of the day this is your partner in life. I love my husband - I love him for being my friend, lover, biggest fan, and for always wanting only the best for me and our son. He was twenty four when I had my brain surgery, and he was supportive, kind, and strong. Not all twenty four year olds could handle something like that, with a two year old and work also depending on him. He would never admit that he did anything special, but to me he has always been my strength and my protector. I believe that all this has made us stronger, I hope I'm right;)
About a month after Logan was born I started to wonder why no mother ever talks about this time. . . the time period when being a mother is much harder than you ever dreamed. No sleep, feedings every two hours (yes, I breastfed Logan until he was 1yr), the baby cries - but you don't know why, and the world just keeps on moving without you for the first time in your life. You only know what I'm talking about if you've had a baby, there is no other way to understand that first three months.
So, what's the big secret? Why not just be honest? Why not tell every mother out there that the first three months is REALLY hard? I remember feeling like I must not be doing something right, because sometimes he would just cry and I couldn't figure out how to help him. No one told me that sometimes- especially in the beginning when the baby is recovering from birth - babies cry just because! It doesn't make you a bad mother if your baby doesn't come out of the womb eating, sleeping, and cooing "like a baby." Even with my time as a nanny for an infant, and three young boys I didn't know what was coming my way. I loved those first months- the new sounds, smells, and feelings of being a new family, watching the person you created seeing the world for the first time, or just holding him for hours dreaming of our lives together. However, those first weeks were sleep deprived, emotional, isolated, and difficult. . . I felt lonely, frustrated, and tired.
I was dumbfounded as to why no one had ever talked about this part of early parenthood, why all the secrecy? I actually asked the mom of the boys I cared for and she said she didn't really know why mothers don't share these experiences openly, but everything I was going through was "normal". There was one baby book she gave me explaining why babies cry, how to identify different cries, and what to do about them. Then, it tells you sometimes they cry because they were in a warm, soft, quiet place before we plunged them into this bright, loud, cold world and they're not very happy to be here. This book was enlightening!
I think most mommies want to appear to be perfect, beautiful, and under control at all times . . . if you have a child you know that is an unattainable goal! So, we should all be honest with each other - stop trying to appear perfect for the world and start sharing all your little secrets: Logan cried a lot as a newborn, ate every other hour, and was NOT a good sleeper; Caleb and I fight sometimes, we get on each others nerves, and at times he drives me crazy; my house is so unorganized it irritates myself and my husband but still I can't seem to get it under control; Logan is probably the smartest kid I know, but he doesn't remember basic day to day things and sometimes he talks in gibberish. These aren't huge revelations or anything, but its a start. It is normal for mommies to have imperfections, it is normal for us to have needs, and it is okay to let the world see that.
Accept help, ask for advice, and share your worries - I promise it feels good, and there is a reason for the saying, "two heads are better than one." Think of your friends and family as guides to help you on your journey through life, we all have our own experiences and have something to offer each other.
So, no more secrets, no more false perfection, time to be honest with yourself, your family, and your best friends. If you want to share any of your mommy worries feel free to leave a comment:)

The teachers let the monkeys out!

Summer break is finally here and Logan is all mine once again! We're going to swim, play, read, and have adventures together. I truly appreciate that in years to come, not far from now, he won't be interested in spending his summer days hanging out with his mom. It is a gift and a curse all at once to be so aware of the fact that some of my favorite moments in time are growing fewer and fewer. . . my time with my dad is SO precious to me, and my time with my son while he is still my little boy, before life has touched him with bills, worry, or responsibilities. I am in the middle of some of the best times in my life and I just don't want it to change.
I understand that there are joys with every age: the joy of watching your baby grow into someone that contributes to the world, the pride in seeing person you helped create mature into a loving, intelligent adult, the freedom to concentrate on myself, the ability to spend more time to my husband and I would never overlook the love of grandchildren. Unfortunately, those things don't seem to outweigh the fact that right now I can walk into Logan's room at night just to see his face, or snuggle up with him at any moment. I can call my dad any day of the week to meet him for lunch, call him at any time to ask for advice, or just go hang out with him because I want to. I can't work, I have friends, but my relationships with my husband, son, mother, and father are definitely the closest to my heart.
Don't make the mistake of thinking I have no interests beyond my son and my parents . . . just last weekend my husband, several friends, and I took a roadtrip to see Phish play two nights in a row. I love to spend time with my husband, we have date nights, take trips together and spend a lot of time hanging out as a family. I have amazing friends I love and depend on. There are many things I am interested in including reading, crafts, boating, travel, music, but all of those are secondary to my love of being a mother and my love for my family. I will always find a way to pass the time, but its hard to believe anything will compare to right now.
This is a summer I will hold close to my heart, this is a time I will always remember - my son is with me all the time and making memories with my dad he will have for the rest of his life. My father is seventy-three years old, Logan's other grandparents are all in their fifties. . . yes, if you do the math my mom is fourteen years younger than my dad;) Logan is old enough to remember these adventures with my dad - I have memories of my time with my grandfather Beem, when I was a little younger than Logan, and they are memories that I cherish to this day. So, it means more to me than most to be able to give that to Logan - time with his grandfather while he's healthy and able to just play.
I hope you have something in your life that makes you appreciate the moment you're in. I hope you have someone you love to spend your time with making memories to hold close to your heart forever! Have a great day, and remember to find a reason to smile:)

Medical update

I posted recently about some doctor drama I was having, so here's your update: After leaving one doctor due to some very sketchy behavior, and finding another I really liked that abruptly moved to New Jersey, I was set up with a local neurosurgeon that works with Chiari patients.
My appointment was good - he was nice, and very knowledgeable. He looked at my most recent scans, did a neurological exam, and talked to me for over twenty minutes. I'm still not sure I would classify it as 'good' news... he said he didn't see any reason for another surgery any time soon, but he also doesn't see me getting any better- ever. He also informed me that the fluid filled area at the base of my head between my brain and skull will never go away or dissipate. Which means, this is my life, forever. I have some control with physical therapy, TENS unit, meditation, and a few other things I have found that take the edge off, but nothing that is going to make me feel truly good. So, as happy as I am to hear that I am stable, and don't need any major treatments, it is hard to hear there is nothing else they can do to lessen my symptoms. I have always held out hope that something will become available that would erase all the pain and symptoms I deal with every second of everyday, but the consensus is I shouldn't hold my breathe... this is it for me.
I know, I know, my life is pretty good. I appreciate my son, my husband, friends and family, but this is the thorn in the side of my optimism - I want to get better! I want to function somewhat normally, I want to work, I want to feel good, I want to have one more baby. These thoughts keep running through my head, I really can't help it sometimes, even though I know I have so much to be thankful for. So, I'm going to give myself a few minutes each day to mourn the life I really want, to get mad that I will never know a "normal" life, and allow myself to be angry that I will be in pain for the next fifty plus years. Then, its time to let go of those feelings and remember how great my life can be when I try to be happy. Being happy really is a decision, a choice you have to make everyday. Life will always hand you reasons to be stressed, but it rarely shows you the way to happiness.
I still have to find the neurologist and rheumatologist I want to work with, but I'll get there when I'm ready. After being with the same neuro/pain specialist for seven years and having it end the way it did just made me a little leery of new doctors. I promise I'll get there, but I'm in no hurry.
So, I'm in pain, nauseous, exhausted, and my joints are swollen (among many other symptoms). Each day is hard. Every morning I wake up, before I even open my eyes the very first thing I feel is pain, and I wonder how I'm ever going to make it through the day. Logan is a great motivator, but its still hard to force myself to move. . . every time I move it takes effort, it hurts, its exhausting. I've learned how to hide it most of the time, mostly when I'm around anyone outside of my husband, son, mom, and dad. Its hard for them, its hard for me, its just too damn hard to imagine this is how it will be for the rest of my days. By the way, I'm thirty two years old, and I've had this pain in my head every second since I was twelve. When I think about it now I wonder how I did it - growing up with constant pain and suffering. Somehow I still found a way to play hard! I grew up riding wave runners, swimming on competitive teams, boating, hanging out with my friends, traveling with my family, and having an all around great life. I've always been able to move through the pain, but as I get older it just gets harder. I wish I still had that never ending energy of childhood, it certainly made getting through the day with pain easier.
I know its hard for most of you to imagine feeling pain of any kind constantly, but sometimes my head hurts so bad I can't even think or talk normally. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I don't want your pity... I do want you to think of me when someone at work irritates you, think of me when you are on your last nerve with children thinking "there is nothing more stressful than this", or when your cleaning your house dreaming of all the other things you'd rather be doing. Someone out there is praying to be able to do all those things, someone out there is wishing they could just function enough to do the basics of life. Someone out there is missing their child, someone out there is unable to find a job, and God willing that someone will never be you.
As usual the moral of the story is: we all have plenty of reasons to feel stuck, we all have some form of stress, but can you find a way to focus on the best parts of yourself and the world around you?
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly." Buddha

Today we celebrated the first birthday of our dear friend's son, Cole. Cole's daddy went to school with myself and Caleb, we've known him over fifteen years. He is one of a group of men that has all been friends with my husband and I since high school or before. These guys have been through it all together - parties, sports, girlfriends, breakups, fights, weddings, surgeries, births, and funerals. We've grown up together and now our children our growing up together:)

As happy of an occasion as today was, there was one person obviously missing, our sweet Ava. I worried about her mommy and daddy, knowing that she would have been part of this celebration had fate allowed. Then, I realized today must have been bittersweet for them, but on some level everyday must be bittersweet. So, I prayed for them. I prayed for something to lighten the weight that lies on their hearts, I prayed for days like today to be a little easier and as always I prayed for continued strength. I know Ava was with us today, seeing we are all together again sharing our love for each other, and appreciating it a little more than usual because of her. Ava gave us so many gifts and cherishing our time together is just one.

I'm learning that as challenging as my situation is, and as hard-fought as my journey has been, there is always someone going through something as hard, or harder. Life teaches lessons in different ways, but it always gets the message across. I wish there were a reason for some of these things, or someone to blame- anger is much easier than grief, at least then there's a focus for your emotion. Grief is a unrelenting, and unmanageable, grabbing a hold of you at the most inopportune moments. It can be grief over a lost loved one, a recent divorce, or the realization that you're life will always be consumed by pain and poor health. Life is bittersweet, I guess some days are just much more bitter than others.

Today everyone laughed, ate, and had a good time. We hugged a little tighter, we told each other "I love you", and we spent the day just being together. Ava is with us always, and today she smiled knowing we had remembered her lesson, we got her message.

Happy weekend:)

Whether you're going to a birthday party, Memorial Day BBQ, or just a cruise on the boat try to enjoy this long weekend, try to appreciate all the blessings that surround you. Think of the men and women over seas unable to be with the ones they love, remember the families sitting in a hospital praying for someone they love to recover, or the child down the street that doesn't have anyone to provide them with a safe, stable home. I know I tell you this all the time, "appreciate you life", but when I'm out in the world I just don't see anyone really enjoying themselves. I guess there are a few here and there, but overall people don't appear to be enjoying day to day life ... if we were all just a little happier, maybe the world would be a little better place to be.
I am guilty of letting things get the better of me, especially when my pain level is high. Without fail I feel bad about it later - whether it was snapping at Logan, being short with Caleb, or just letting something get under my skin that really wasn't worth it. I'm not sure how to eliminate this behavior entirely, but I'll let you know when I figure it out;) I do know it never helps, it rarely changes anything, and it always makes my head hurt worse after I've been upset.
I'm a firm believer that happiness is what you make of it - if you decide life is going to be hard, it probably will. I'm sure you know someone that even in the greatest moments can find something to criticize, then there is your friend that will find something good to say about any situation.. . who do you think is happier? Maybe if we all make an effort to find joy everyday it will eventually rub off on everyone else.
Enjoy your life, kiss you partner, hug your kids, call you parents and tell them you love them, walk you dog, drink a glass of wine, read a book, do something that makes you smile!

Summertime, and the livin's easy

Less than two weeks until Logan is done with second grade and our summer can begin! Summer has always meant time with my dad/uncle, swimming and boating everyday, lots of time on trails with family/friends and dogs, and long days of sunshine. I LOVE summer!! These are the memories I hold closest to my heart... the moments when my cousin and I were kids and our dads were home full time, we'd spend all day swimming, tubing, playing outside til the sun went down. We'd pretend we were surfers and stand at the very front of the boat with our arms balancing us as we tried to stay standing. We still play together on our lake, now there are bigger toys, and Logan is the little boy trying to surf at the front of the boat.
My dad turned 73 years old this year. He is active, vibrant, and ornery - which I am very thankful for because I cannot imagine my life without my father. The term "daddy's little girl" doesn't quite cover our relationship. He is my daddy, my friend, my advice giver, and resident worrier. My dad takes Logan and I to FL once a year for a great beach trip. We spend every second together, relaxing, playing on the beach, eating yummy food, and truly enjoying each others company. It makes my heart glow to think of all the memories Logan has made with my dad, who he calls GiGi.
Gigi and Logan have had many adventures together, but for the past few years one of their favorite things has been tubing. Gigi drives the boat, pulling Logan all over the lake until he gives up and is ready float in the warm water. They have so much fun together - all day water gun fights, playing catch, or just being silly. Our summer days together are my favorite.
Summer and sunshine make me smile, they make my body move easier and my head pressure lower. I love summer for its long days, warm waters, big BBQs, concerts under a starry sky, but most of all for the memories we make together. I realize my dad won't be here forever, and Logan will grow up someday, so this year I'm not going to take a single moment for granted. If you want to find me, I'll be in my bikini, floating in the lake with my family and friends - hard limeade in one hand and throwing my dog's ball with the other:)