All mothers worry. All mothers carry thoughts of guilt, worry, and inadequacy with them every day. One of my biggest source of these feelings is my illness. I worry that being sick will effect Logan in ways I cannot see or cannot help. I cannot imagine what it would be like to grow up with a mother disabled by medical disorders, a mother like me.
I worry he will learn to see pain as an excuse not to do the things that are expected of us in life. I worry he sees me as weak, needy and unable to care for myself. Our relationship has been profoundly effected by my illness. . . we lost two years of the past seven to surgery/recovery, and even more time to decline in my health prior to those surgeries. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good mother - I put my son first, his needs, his happiness, his health all come before my needs/wants. We read, we laugh, we talk, we spend a lot of time together, but he also spends a lot of time waiting for me to feel good enough to move. Its not the basic day to day needs I worry about, its what it all adds up to that bothers me.
Logan is amazing, he is confident, happy, healthy, smart, and kind. I just hope he never sees me as a mother that can't give him everything he needs. I hope he knows I have given him everything I have to give, and a little more at times. I feel blessed to have him as my son, I can only pray he'll always feel blessed to have me as momma.
My family isn't just Logan and I, this has effected my husband also. How much can I expect one person to handle? How many times can I expect him to pick up the pieces when I can't or deal with the never ending stress of chronic medical disorders? I know he loves me and would never leave me, but how long can I be the thing that makes his life harder? Its hard to know just being puts a burden on someone I love so much.. . it isn't just picking up the slack, but this puts a financial, emotional, and physical stress on him that otherwise wouldn't exist. I worry he will resent me, or that our love won't be enough.
Chronic pain/illness has profoundly changed all our lives, and all I can do is pray that it never changes the love we have for each other.