The sun will come out tomorow.

I know I promised more detailed posts on our August adventures, but first I there are a few things that have been on my mind . . .

1. I'm thirty-three years old and I will be in pain everyday for the rest of my life. I will wake up in pain, move through the pain (when possible), and then go to sleep with my pain. Each morning the first thought that registers in my mind is, "ouch". I am SO tired of being in pain and having to find a way to live as normal a life as possible - I want to have fun with my family/friends, I want to work to contribute more to my family, I want to ride roller coasters and horses, I want a break from this pain, I want to be better. I don't sleep well, due to pain and nerve/brain damage I never reach REM sleep which is the deepest, most restful stage of sleep. I'm just getting tired. I know it seems like I am so positive and appreciative about my life, but even I have my moments when it all seems hopeless and impossible.

2. Monday morning Logan woke up to the sound of me puking up my undigested dinner from the night before. It was early, and I didn't think he was awake so I used his bathroom since my husband was in our shower. He was awake, he did hear me, and it makes me so sad. . . Logan is aware that most mommas do not have brain surgery, come home multiple times with several staples holding surgical wounds closed, or puke undigested food from dinner the night before. He knows when I'm hurting more than usual, he knows when I can't eat because I'm nauseated, he has seen me in the hospital connected to all the tubes and wires - all of these things make my heart hurt. This is not the life I wanted for my son. . . I think most all I want him to not have to see his momma sick anymore.

3. There is a stigma with being a chronically ill, legally disabled, pain patient. (Now, you need to know I am no longer on any of the really "good" pain meds and I no longer see doctors that are at pain clinics or specialize in pain treatment - some would not classify as a pain patient anymore. I do not like pain medications, or any medication for that matter.) Sometimes when I'm at family gatherings politics may come up and in the past comments have been made about whether or not US citizens should have to "pay for other people's lives". There have been many instances of similar conversations, but I think you get the idea. My point is that I worked as long as I physically could - when I got sick I had been to school, built a business, gotten married, built a home, and started a family. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to and my life literally fell apart when I got really sick. I didn't do anything to cause my disorders, but I have been treated like a lower class citizen by several people because I don't have a job, or I am on medicare. When our lives fell apart and a lot of our remaining income went to medical care/treatment it was my doctors that encouraged us to apply for Social Security Disability. (By the way, we were twenty-four and twenty-five years old with a one year old baby.) I don't think we had a choice, and I don't feel bad about taking it, even though some out there probably think I should. I guess what you should get out of this is that you don't know what you would do when your life disappears and your future is forever changed. You don't know what its like until you are staring in the face - I've always felt like heart surgery, cancer, brain surgery, and anything lifelong or terminal are kind of like exclusive clubs . . . you just can't know what is really going on inside until you join one. Try to remember, this is not an equal opportunity world, and some of us got the shit end of the deal.

4. When you see me, please do not assume I am healthy or feeling good because I am pretty and wear a smile on my face. One of my doctors, the horrible one that left me without my pain patch cold turkey, once said, "you just LOOK so healthy, its hard for my staff to understand." I will never forget that statement. If nurses in a neurological office thought I was too healthy for the level of treatment I was receiving, then what were people that didn't have my chart and a medical background thinking? I look this way because my body stopped digesting food properly and I have to maintain some level of physical therapy to strengthen my muscles so my degenerating joints/discs have more support. Not to mention that gaining weight is not an option, according to my many doctors it would triggeran array pain, back, and joint issues. So, I am truly sorry if I "look healthy and happy", but I choose not to let the whole world see me vulnerable and in pain. . . even though that is who I truly am.

Well, sorry for being such a Debbie downer, but sometimes this is how I feel, sometimes it is just too hard, and I'm trying to be honest about my life. Don't worry about me, I'll get up, do my physical therapy, and put on a happy face. The alternative is to lay here, feel the pain and nausea, feel sorry for myself and stay miserable while life passes me byand I just can't let that happen! Have a good day, and thank you for reading my venting - I'll try to be a little more upbeat next post!

Gordon the fish.

My dog, Gordon, is three years old and has always loved the water. He loves to boat, swim, play on the beach - he's a water dog at heart. Gordon is basenji/chihuahua mix, only ways eighteen pounds, is very agile, very fast and very smart. When we adopted him we thought he was a white german shepherd/basenji mix, which would have made him at least fifty pounds, but he's turned out to be perfect. We found him at a local Humane Society, fell in love with him right away, plus it felt good to teach Logan to adopt a puppy versus buy a puppy!
This week Gordon has been quite entertaining during our lake adventures. . . He has been obsessed with swimming with Logan, so whatever Logan is doing, Gordon is doing. He is running down the dock jumping in, he's eating the spray off the waterguns, he's having snack breaks with Logan, he's fetching the ball - I should say at this point that this warms my heart, watching my boy and his dog having a great summer together. I usually float on a raft, talk to my dad/uncle, throw the ball with Logan/Gordon, and judge Logan's many jumps off the dock. Gordon uses my raft as a 'home base' - he jumps off the dock, swims to me, climbs up onto the raft, and hangs out until he's ready to jump in and swim again. He is a very busy dog at the lake, he LOVES it and its impossible to keep him out of the water. One day last week he had been swimming for a few hours when he climbed onto my raft, rested for a minute, then I hear, "Hey mom, Gordon's peeing on your raft!" Yes, I said peeing on my raft! I was off the raft by the time Logan finished his sentence, and so was a very startled pooch. We swam over to the dock, got him out, and let him finish relieving himself up on the seawall. I was shocked! I've been boating all me life and I've never seen a dog pee off dry land. A few days ago, we were swimming off the dock again and Gordon was stoked as usual - first, he was jumping from the dock to the toon floating the boat lift and fell between the toon and a metal bar, didn't even stop his little legs from running, I don't think he even noticed. Then, an hour later I was relaxing on my raft when I look up and see Gordon peeing off my raft into the lake! This time it wasn't landing on my raft so I didn't dump him, but seriously have you ever heard of that? I guess he just didn't have time to head to dry land.
This dog is becoming a fish. Gordon is the first one in to swim, he wants to ride the tube with the kids, and he loves a good boat ride! I love my little pooch and his love for Logan and the water. Gordon got very sick a few days after we brought him home, with treatment and time he made a full recovery. The vet told us the rescue group that was scheduled to take him would not have had the funds to treat him, so I've always felt that this little pooch was meant to be with our family.
Gordon does lots of funny, entertaining things, but he has become quite a showoff at the lake! You've never seen a happier dog than our little Gordon.

The luckiest girl in the world.

The past few weeks I have focused on Logan, my husband, my family and having a good summer. I would say so far I have had a great summer, there have been a few moments of stress, but overall life has been very good. (This is where I knock on wood, cross my fingers, and say a little prayer for this to continue.)

I don't ever forget how lucky I am to be surrounded by my family, floating in a lake, drinking a hard lemonade, any day I feel like getting myself out of the house. The best part is my family feels lucky to have me around too!

Fourth of July weekend we celebrated my cousin's thirtieth birthday, my mom's fifty-ninth birthday, my nephew's first birthday and our ninth anniversary - I know, its a BIG weekend in our family. Technically our anniversary and two of the birthdays are on June 29, but we usually celebrate the Saturday before the Fourth. We were also thrilled to be able to talk about my cousin's upcoming wedding, to a woman we love, this September in Florida. This was a busy, but great weekend! At one point my son counted twenty-four people floating off the dock, hanging out on boats, and enjoying the day together. How lucky are we to have so many people coming together to celebrate each other and our lives together!?

Most days this summer Logan and I have gone to the lake and spent the afternoon with my dad and uncle. There have been varied guests - my soon-to-be brother-in-law, a childhood friend and her family, Logan's buddies, Logan's teacher, and many of my parent's friends, but the main cast rarely changes. I love my family, I love the way I was raised, I love the relationship Logan has with my family, I love that my parents tell me they love me everyday of my life - I feel so blessed.

There will be many more days on the lake this summer, and this fall we will all come together in Florida and celebrate the love my cousin shares with his fiance. Its been a long time since we had a big family adventure in Florida, and this one may be the best one yet! A beach side, barefoot wedding, Logan is a ring barer, and I can't wait to part of their day. My husband and I were married under a white archway, lakeside on the lake I've grown up on, leaving by boat with my cousin at the wheel and honestly, the beach is the only other place we would've had our ceremony. So, I am thrilled my cousin chose the beach, and not surprised at all. . . we were raised together and have similar ideas on how to enjoy life. I love him like a brother, Logan calls him Uncle, and we've always been able to count on each other. He was the only one I ever asked how he felt about my husband shortly before we got engaged, what he thought mattered to me, and we had a very honest conversation - I was happy to hear he good things to say.

I hope you all have family in your life, people that have known and loved you longer than anyone else. I am blessed with a son, husband, parents, cousins, aunt and uncle that has been with me every step of the way - we've had our problems, we've had our disagreements, but in the end we always come back together, usually stronger than before. I am lucky - my family loves my unconditionally and they have proved it time and time again.

When I think of the best memories, the best moments in my life, my family is part of almost all of them. Birthdays, vacations, holidays, or just simple moments in time that stay with you always. . . spending time together almost everyday growing up, training our dogs together in 4H, years of tubing/boating/riding waverunners, two weeks in Yellowstone, Christmas vacations in the sun, many beach trips - watching my uncle walk Logan into the Gulf of Mexico for the very first time, and countless hours just floating, talking and being together in the lake. I really do feel like one of the luckiest girls in the world!

Well, I'm going to go call my dad and tell him I love him, maybe you should do the same!

Baby love

Logan and I are babysitting my nephew today. He is almost one year old, and very cute. We are really enjoying our time with him, and he adores his big cousin Logan.

There is something I have to get off my chest . . . as much as I love my sweet, little nephew, it is sometimes hard for me to be around him. I have always wanted at least two babies, and would have loved more, but so far that has not happened. I have wanted a second baby since Logan was three, but instead I've had surgeries. Seems like every time we think we're going to be medically cleared to try for a baby, something happens with my health and it is delayed. The last delay was my spinal fraction/disc herniation found in Sept. 2009, the same month my sister-n-law got pregnant.

I am very happy for people that are blessed with happy, healthy babies - it is just hard for me at times knowing that may never happen for me again. Logan has been a wonderful, amazing blessing in our lives, and I am beyond thankful for him - I just don't feel like our family is complete, I feel a strong need to me a mommy to another soul.

I still have hope, I still pray everyday. Hoping our family will be blessed once more, and feel complete. I've always wanted to be a mom, I babysat, taught swim lessons for years, life guarded at the local pool, and have always loved kids in general. So, I'll keep hoping, but for today I'll give lots of love to my handsome, little nephew.

All mothers worry. All mothers carry thoughts of guilt, worry, and inadequacy with them every day. One of my biggest source of these feelings is my illness. I worry that being sick will effect Logan in ways I cannot see or cannot help. I cannot imagine what it would be like to grow up with a mother disabled by medical disorders, a mother like me.
I worry he will learn to see pain as an excuse not to do the things that are expected of us in life. I worry he sees me as weak, needy and unable to care for myself. Our relationship has been profoundly effected by my illness. . . we lost two years of the past seven to surgery/recovery, and even more time to decline in my health prior to those surgeries. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good mother - I put my son first, his needs, his happiness, his health all come before my needs/wants. We read, we laugh, we talk, we spend a lot of time together, but he also spends a lot of time waiting for me to feel good enough to move. Its not the basic day to day needs I worry about, its what it all adds up to that bothers me.
Logan is amazing, he is confident, happy, healthy, smart, and kind. I just hope he never sees me as a mother that can't give him everything he needs. I hope he knows I have given him everything I have to give, and a little more at times. I feel blessed to have him as my son, I can only pray he'll always feel blessed to have me as momma.
My family isn't just Logan and I, this has effected my husband also. How much can I expect one person to handle? How many times can I expect him to pick up the pieces when I can't or deal with the never ending stress of chronic medical disorders? I know he loves me and would never leave me, but how long can I be the thing that makes his life harder? Its hard to know just being puts a burden on someone I love so much.. . it isn't just picking up the slack, but this puts a financial, emotional, and physical stress on him that otherwise wouldn't exist. I worry he will resent me, or that our love won't be enough.
Chronic pain/illness has profoundly changed all our lives, and all I can do is pray that it never changes the love we have for each other.