Has it really been this long?

Well, it seems my blogging runs in cycles with my pain and stress level. It occurred to me this morning that I haven't posted in a while. . . more like four months!!! I'm going to play a little game of catch up, so that you can understand why I have been so neglectful.

1. My last post was about my dear, sweet Ava and her first birthday. I am VERY excited to announce Ava's mommy/daddy are pregnant and due in July! Please, send the Bryan family lots of good thoughts, love, and prayers.

2. In early October I started having some rather annoying pain in my low back/abdomen. I went to my doctor, who ordered some tests and they found hemoragic cysts on my left ovary - note the cysts were on my left side, but the pain is on the right. The right sided pain was chalked up to free floating fluid from the cysts, and I was treated for ovarian cysts. A few weeks later the exact same pain, on my right side, in the exact same place was back and it was worse than ever. I went back in for a abdominal CT scan and this time there was a kidney stone on the right, and my right lung was infiltrated with pneumonia. Well, this explains the right sided back/abdominal pain. In December I was re-scanned and the kidney stone hadn't moved, but my lung was clear. Since then I have been having a lot of pain and spasming with this kidney stone. I have seen a urologist, but she isn't convinced the primary cause of the pain is my kidney stone. She believes there is a problem in my colon/intestines and it is causing inflammation which is then effecting my kidney and the small stone inside. I am scheduled to see a gastroenterologist later this month - I've been to many over the years, so I'm not sure what they're going to do, but it probably will involve some sort of scope and won't be any fun. I know I have gastroparesis due to vagus nerve damage, which is why I am not always able to digest food, but we will see what this new doc has to say.

3. Logan played his first season of basketball. We live in Indiana and around here kid's basketball programs start as young as 4 yrs. old. My husband/I have tried to expose Logan to several sports and at some point he will choose the what he likes to play. Out of all the sports we've tried - football, soccer, t-ball, swimming - basketball seems to come easiest to him. Now if I could just figure out how to make him more aggressive/competitive on the court he'd be good little baller. Logan really enjoyed the season, he learned a little about the sport, made some new friends, and had a great time. . . even though his team was 2-12.

4. The holidays were rather uneventful. No big fights at family get togethers, no major drama - just good family time, a few laughs, and Logan was spoiled rotten. As usual I sent out photocards and made some goodies to give away. A few of my crafts took longer that expected, but most of it worked out in the end.

5. My gorgeous little man, Logan, has been sick for weeks now. It all started in November when he was put on anti-biotics to treat bronchitis and it constipated him almost immediately. By Christmas we thought he was back on track. Three weeks ago I got a call from the school to come pick up Logan because he wasn't feeling well. He was home one day and then we sent him back. Later that day I brought him home early again, we end up finding out he has strep throat and he goes back on anti-biotics. After ten days, he is no better and had the strep rash upgrading him from strep to scarlet fever, so we start him on a stronger anti-biotic. Now this whole time Logan does not have a fever, is complaining of headache/abdominal pain, and his tonsils/lymph nodes are swollen, but he doesn't complain about his throat. Five days into the stronger anti-biotic he doesn't seem to be getting better, so I take him in for a mono test and abdominal x-ray. The mono test is negative, but the x-ray shows severe constipation and his entire large intestine is impacted. He is automatically put on a laxative and stool softener. Three days later, this past Wednesday,he spiked a fever, so he had an abdominal CT scan to make sure the appendix isn't inflamed and look for infection - luckily, it came back clean. So, Thursday he was put on a "super-laxative" and we were told he would be cleaned out within 48 hours. It is now Tuesday of the following week, Logan is still miserable with belly pain and he has had maybe four good sized bowel movements, but he's no where near cleaned out. Each morning he is waking up in pain, I find him moaning in fetal position begging me not to make him move. Its so much easier being the patient. He missed twelve days of school, and this is his second day back. I feel horrible forcing him to go to school when he is so uncomfortable, but we are doing all we can to get him feeling good again. Logan is going to a pediatric gastro next week - I just pray we can get some answers and help.

6. My sister-in-law, Emily, got married! Logan was the ring barer, Caleb walked their momma down the isle and I got to take LOTS if pictures. We all had lots of fun, Emily was beautiful, and I'm no longer the only "in-law" in the family!

I think that covers the basics. I will post more details later, and try to keep you all updated on Logan's belly. The past few weeks and months have been hard for me, but I'll try to keep posting regularly. I'm trying to stay positive, look at the bright side, and just keeping moving.

Purple is her color.

If you have read many of my posts you probably remember my some written about my angel, Baby Ava. She came into this world to teach us all a little something about life, but she was not meant to stay with us for long. Ava Jean Bryan would have turned one this coming Tuesday. We all miss her, love her, and would do anything for her to be with us - but that just wasn't His plan. As this milestone comes closer I have seen Ava's momma, Angie, find the strength to settle into her new life. Don't be mistaken, she will never move on, get over it, or be without that pain, but she is starting to settle into what life will be without Ava. I'm sure some of you have lost someone close to you and there are always moments when you stop to think, "I wish they were here," to feel this joy, see this beauty, or be part of a life changing moment. . . I can only imagine that she feels that everyday. Even in moments of pure joy, somewhere in her heart Angie will be thinking, "I wish Ava was here."
I was with Angie last night while she was working on a baby book for Ava. It was a beautiful, handmade scrapbook one of her crafty friends made as babyshower gift, so all she had to do was put in the pictures and captions. Angie made the comment that this was perfect for her because most traditional baby books have pages for writing things like babies first tooth, baby's first word, favorite food, and so on. I had never even thought of that. There are so many little things that people take for granted . . . how many of you have a baby book that you never even took the time to write in? I was reminded in that moment we all have something in life that is really hard, we all have something that consumes us at some point, but it is up to us to find a way to make it through. Angie is so strong and amazing, she is finding a way to live her life in the shadows of a deep loss and profound sadness. She is finding a way to move forward through all the pain, sadness, anger, and tears.
Ava helped me to remember that even on my darkest days, in my most painful moments, when I think I just can't do this anymore - there is always someone in more pain, more misery, and worse health. I wish my life were different and some days it is hard to accept that I will be in pain every second of the rest of my life, but I'm here with an amazing family and good friends. I may not be living in my dream house, drive a fancy car, or go on lavish vacations, but I don't need those things to have a full life and be happy.
Ava fought over two months to stay strong, beating the odds time after time. Angie's hope, love, and devotion never fading for a second. The two of them have a bond stronger than most mothers/babies. They made a deal in one of their many late night talks - Angie understood she had to go, she understood she was meant to change lives and she did, so now Angie would have to carry on her message. As hard as it has been, I know Ava is proud of her mommy - Angie has started an annual Baby Ava Legwarmer, toys, and clothes drive to benefit the children at Riley Hospital for Children, and has plans to start a Baby Ava Charity. I continue to feel connected to Ava, just before Mother's Day after thinking of her all day I felt a very strong need to dye Angie a purple scarf. Purple was Ava's color, and I know she wanted me her mommy to have a beautiful, purple scarf for Mother's Day.
It is so easy to get caught up in our own lives - we may not talk to the people that mean the most to us as often as we should, we may not make time for the simple moments like just spending time with a good friend or taking advantage of the little time we have with you children. Life is hard enough, take the time to celebrate the good in your life, take the time to enjoy your life! Whether you realize it or not, every life is a gift not a given. . . Ava taught me that.

The sun will come out tomorow.

I know I promised more detailed posts on our August adventures, but first I there are a few things that have been on my mind . . .

1. I'm thirty-three years old and I will be in pain everyday for the rest of my life. I will wake up in pain, move through the pain (when possible), and then go to sleep with my pain. Each morning the first thought that registers in my mind is, "ouch". I am SO tired of being in pain and having to find a way to live as normal a life as possible - I want to have fun with my family/friends, I want to work to contribute more to my family, I want to ride roller coasters and horses, I want a break from this pain, I want to be better. I don't sleep well, due to pain and nerve/brain damage I never reach REM sleep which is the deepest, most restful stage of sleep. I'm just getting tired. I know it seems like I am so positive and appreciative about my life, but even I have my moments when it all seems hopeless and impossible.

2. Monday morning Logan woke up to the sound of me puking up my undigested dinner from the night before. It was early, and I didn't think he was awake so I used his bathroom since my husband was in our shower. He was awake, he did hear me, and it makes me so sad. . . Logan is aware that most mommas do not have brain surgery, come home multiple times with several staples holding surgical wounds closed, or puke undigested food from dinner the night before. He knows when I'm hurting more than usual, he knows when I can't eat because I'm nauseated, he has seen me in the hospital connected to all the tubes and wires - all of these things make my heart hurt. This is not the life I wanted for my son. . . I think most all I want him to not have to see his momma sick anymore.

3. There is a stigma with being a chronically ill, legally disabled, pain patient. (Now, you need to know I am no longer on any of the really "good" pain meds and I no longer see doctors that are at pain clinics or specialize in pain treatment - some would not classify as a pain patient anymore. I do not like pain medications, or any medication for that matter.) Sometimes when I'm at family gatherings politics may come up and in the past comments have been made about whether or not US citizens should have to "pay for other people's lives". There have been many instances of similar conversations, but I think you get the idea. My point is that I worked as long as I physically could - when I got sick I had been to school, built a business, gotten married, built a home, and started a family. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to and my life literally fell apart when I got really sick. I didn't do anything to cause my disorders, but I have been treated like a lower class citizen by several people because I don't have a job, or I am on medicare. When our lives fell apart and a lot of our remaining income went to medical care/treatment it was my doctors that encouraged us to apply for Social Security Disability. (By the way, we were twenty-four and twenty-five years old with a one year old baby.) I don't think we had a choice, and I don't feel bad about taking it, even though some out there probably think I should. I guess what you should get out of this is that you don't know what you would do when your life disappears and your future is forever changed. You don't know what its like until you are staring in the face - I've always felt like heart surgery, cancer, brain surgery, and anything lifelong or terminal are kind of like exclusive clubs . . . you just can't know what is really going on inside until you join one. Try to remember, this is not an equal opportunity world, and some of us got the shit end of the deal.

4. When you see me, please do not assume I am healthy or feeling good because I am pretty and wear a smile on my face. One of my doctors, the horrible one that left me without my pain patch cold turkey, once said, "you just LOOK so healthy, its hard for my staff to understand." I will never forget that statement. If nurses in a neurological office thought I was too healthy for the level of treatment I was receiving, then what were people that didn't have my chart and a medical background thinking? I look this way because my body stopped digesting food properly and I have to maintain some level of physical therapy to strengthen my muscles so my degenerating joints/discs have more support. Not to mention that gaining weight is not an option, according to my many doctors it would triggeran array pain, back, and joint issues. So, I am truly sorry if I "look healthy and happy", but I choose not to let the whole world see me vulnerable and in pain. . . even though that is who I truly am.

Well, sorry for being such a Debbie downer, but sometimes this is how I feel, sometimes it is just too hard, and I'm trying to be honest about my life. Don't worry about me, I'll get up, do my physical therapy, and put on a happy face. The alternative is to lay here, feel the pain and nausea, feel sorry for myself and stay miserable while life passes me byand I just can't let that happen! Have a good day, and thank you for reading my venting - I'll try to be a little more upbeat next post!

Where do I begin . . .

Well, where do I start? I know its been a few months since I've posted, sorry for that, but my pain level went up and my days got busy. I guess I'll start with early August and catch you up . . .

August 4 - I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon to look my T-8 area of my spine and the pain radiating from it. I had a full body work up last December, so we knew something was wrong with my T-8 vertebrae and at some point it would need to be addressed. Over a few months I had been having pain around my thoracic spine and that's when I knew it was time. Dr. Joseph Riina is an amazing surgeon with OrthoIndy, an amazing group of docs/therapists/facilities, and he did my 2009 lumbar fusion/discectomy to treat my spinal fracture/herniated disc. When I went to see him in August I could tell there was something wrong just by looking at the films. (You would think after all my MRIs, x-rays, and CT scans I would be good at recognizing a problem - this is only the case when there is something blatantly wrong.) Thanks to the combination of my cranio-cervical fusion and my lumbar fusion I have acquired a seventeen degree curve in my thoracic spine. But the good news didn't stop there . . . my T-8/T-9 vertebra are degenerated significantly causing pain, instability, and early onset arthritis. The bright side: I don't need surgery at this time, my nerves are not being compressed yet, and I can still treat with physical therapy, ice, TENS unit, meditation, yoga and massage. I have found most doctors like and encourage my treatment program, and since I don't like taking meds this works well for me at this time. I must admit since Logan has gone back to school my eating has not been as frequent or healthy as it should be, but that is one of many things that I need to change.

August 5 - Caleb, Logan, and I went to meet Dr. Torres-Martinez at the Riley Hospital for Children Genetics Clinic. After a very thorough physical exam, long family history review, and a brief exam of my EDS it was decided Logan was at very low risk of having my genetic disorders . . . he didn't even order an MRI! Logan is having a heart ECHO tomorrow to check on a "muffle" heard from his heart, and he is to see an opthamologist one more time - but, the big news is NO EDS, NO tethered cord, and most importantly he is NOT considered at risk for Chiari! I could have kissed this wonderful man telling me my son is healthy, and I should not be concerned. Dr. Torres-Martinez also told us that any child I have will have a 50% chance of inheriting the Elhers-Danlos Syndrome gene, which has not been identified so there is no genetic test for it at this time. This wouldn't be good, but I'm not sure it would be a serious enough reason to not have another child? Luckily, Chiari malformation is MUCH lower at around 12% chance of passing on my disorder according to my neuro-specialists in New York and the doctors at Riley Hospital for Children. My surgeons have told me before they do not feel families should refrain from having children due to Chiari, unless it would put the mother's health at risk.

I am SO thankful Logan will not have to deal with my medical disorders!!! I have thanked God everyday of Logan's life for his health, happiness, kindness, and intelligence - I'm not a religious person, but I do believe there is some sort of energy out there, bigger than all of us and I call it God, or the "the big E" as a dear friend once said. I believe things do happen for a reason and I believe something good can come out of most situations no matter how horrible it feels in the moment. Maybe, I am sick to help others learn how to see the light even on the darkest days, or so my son can be healthy and amazing. Maybe, I am here to learn patience, focus, or how to endure hardship and not forget my blessings. I'll never really know, but I do believe we all have a purpose and we are all have something to offer this crazy world.

August 6 - Caleb, Logan, and I head to Clifty Falls State Park in Madison, Indiana. We had a great time on the trails and just spending time together. I'll have to give this its own post later.

August 10 - I turned 33!! I LOVE my birthday, this year I spent my actual birthday on the lake with my dad, uncle, and Logan. That weekend we had a small party at our buddy's house, and then a boat afternoon/BBQ with all the Beems.

August 16 - Logan started 3rd grade! For the first time I made it through day one without crying, but day two there were a few tears. Between school and football I have barely seen Logan since early August! Logan is in the GT classroom, gifted and talented, which is made up of half third graders and half fourth graders. We really like his teacher, we'll call her Mrs. W for blogging purposes, and he likes his classmates - seems to be much less frustrating for him than being in a classroom where everyone is asking him questions constantly or just do things that Logan finds to be ridiculous. I found out recently that Mrs. W has had some of her own experiences with medical world that give her a unique understanding of our family and Logan's life outside the classroom. I hate to hear about anyone having medical problems, but it is very comforting to meet someone that has a true understanding of what my life is really like.

Logan also started tackle football! His team is the Jaguars, they've only won two games, but those boys have SO much fun. I'll post about our junior football adventures later, but had to mention it for my August update.

The end of August brought a family trip to Florida for my cousin Bob's beach wedding.

I'll have to write a whole other post for this because it was a BIG, fun week!

Well, this has been a very long winded post, so I'm going to say goodbye for now and I promise to post regularly again. Unfortunately, the past few months my pain level has been very high and I just haven't felt like doing or thinking anything beyond what is necessary. Now that life is settling down, and hopefully my pain level will go back to a 3 on the daily pain scale so I can continue writing. I'm not sure if any of you really enjoy reading about my life, but this helps me to get out some of my thoughts/stress so thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

As usual, I hope you are having a wonderful day. Oh, I discovered Pinterest.com recently thanks to one of my best friends . . . if you haven't seen it or want to check out my boards go to: http://pinterest.com/beem78/ .

Gordon the fish.

My dog, Gordon, is three years old and has always loved the water. He loves to boat, swim, play on the beach - he's a water dog at heart. Gordon is basenji/chihuahua mix, only ways eighteen pounds, is very agile, very fast and very smart. When we adopted him we thought he was a white german shepherd/basenji mix, which would have made him at least fifty pounds, but he's turned out to be perfect. We found him at a local Humane Society, fell in love with him right away, plus it felt good to teach Logan to adopt a puppy versus buy a puppy!
This week Gordon has been quite entertaining during our lake adventures. . . He has been obsessed with swimming with Logan, so whatever Logan is doing, Gordon is doing. He is running down the dock jumping in, he's eating the spray off the waterguns, he's having snack breaks with Logan, he's fetching the ball - I should say at this point that this warms my heart, watching my boy and his dog having a great summer together. I usually float on a raft, talk to my dad/uncle, throw the ball with Logan/Gordon, and judge Logan's many jumps off the dock. Gordon uses my raft as a 'home base' - he jumps off the dock, swims to me, climbs up onto the raft, and hangs out until he's ready to jump in and swim again. He is a very busy dog at the lake, he LOVES it and its impossible to keep him out of the water. One day last week he had been swimming for a few hours when he climbed onto my raft, rested for a minute, then I hear, "Hey mom, Gordon's peeing on your raft!" Yes, I said peeing on my raft! I was off the raft by the time Logan finished his sentence, and so was a very startled pooch. We swam over to the dock, got him out, and let him finish relieving himself up on the seawall. I was shocked! I've been boating all me life and I've never seen a dog pee off dry land. A few days ago, we were swimming off the dock again and Gordon was stoked as usual - first, he was jumping from the dock to the toon floating the boat lift and fell between the toon and a metal bar, didn't even stop his little legs from running, I don't think he even noticed. Then, an hour later I was relaxing on my raft when I look up and see Gordon peeing off my raft into the lake! This time it wasn't landing on my raft so I didn't dump him, but seriously have you ever heard of that? I guess he just didn't have time to head to dry land.
This dog is becoming a fish. Gordon is the first one in to swim, he wants to ride the tube with the kids, and he loves a good boat ride! I love my little pooch and his love for Logan and the water. Gordon got very sick a few days after we brought him home, with treatment and time he made a full recovery. The vet told us the rescue group that was scheduled to take him would not have had the funds to treat him, so I've always felt that this little pooch was meant to be with our family.
Gordon does lots of funny, entertaining things, but he has become quite a showoff at the lake! You've never seen a happier dog than our little Gordon.

Pretty pink fingers and pretty pink toes:)

For the past few weeks I haven't posted much, I just haven't had much to say. I've never been an anxious person - if you know me, you know I can be stubborn and opinionated, but not anxious. Recently however anxiety has crept in, and I don't like it.

Here I am, just trying to have a great summer, but when its time to go to sleep after a long fun day my mind starts to go a little crazy with anxious thoughts. . . What should I have gotten done that day? Am I doing my best to be a good mom to Logan? Am I doing my best to be a good daughter/wife/friend? Will I ever feel better? Will I feel good enough to get up in the morning? How many days do I have with Logan before he goes back to school? I'm sure most moms have run away thoughts, especially at night, but I'm thirty-two and have really only felt anxiety about three things: my health/surgeries, Logan growing up way too fast, and having another baby. So, when this started recently I was surprised. My dad has been a worrier ever since I can remember, I know he lies awake at night turning things over in his head, but are nightly anxieties hereditary? All I know is I don't like it! I've always had a hard time sleeping, but thats due to neurological damage not a wandering mind.

I'll let you know how the anxiety goes - I don't expect it to lighten up until after we get through a few doctor appointments, and Logan is back in school. August 4 I am scheduled to see my orthopedic surgeon to talk about a pain I'm having at my T-8 (my eighth thoracic vertebrae). Last December an MRI showed a slight bulge at that level, and now I'm having pain. So, I'm hoping he's just going to tell me to go to physical therapy and use ice/heat, but this may cause a problem with us trying to get pregnant again. Of course, right when I feel like I can get off my meds and start trying soon, something will go wrong with my health. Let's hope/pray its nothing major and won't effect our plans.

Then, August 5 Logan is scheduled to go to the Riley Children's Hospital Genetics Clinic. I received a letter/paperwork from them, and apparently they do some testing the day of the appointment. I am dreading the testing - Logan has been lucky enough to have never needed bloodwork or anything requiring a needle outside of childhood vaccinations. I'm sure there will be blood drawn, a skin biopsy, and who knows what else. There will be another appointment to discuss the results, any diagnosis, and what to do with that information - including further family planning.

For now I'm trying to do things that make me happy - spending as much time as possible with Logan, hanging out on the lake with my family, loving on my hubby, eating yummy food, reading a good book, watching a little reality TV, and enjoying sweet treats! Oh, I can't forget - my pink fingers and toes! I wasn't a "girly-girl" until after Logan was born, but ever since he came along I've loved pink. My mom would tell you I hated wearing anything pink as a little girl, or as a big girl for that matter, but as a momma I love pink. So, as simple as it sounds, having pretty pink fingers and pretty pink toes just makes me smile. Recently I went to a bridal shower for my cousin's fiance - each party goer was given a little hemp purse filled with things to keep your nails looking good at the beach! The wedding is in Florida this September and now all of us girls will have pretty, bright fingers and toes. Each of us were given super bright, fun nail polish and I LOVE my color! I've never worn neon colors on my nails, but I discovered its a nice way to brighten my day.

What are the little things that bring you happiness? Is it eating a piece of chocolate, hugging your kids, kissing your husband? All those little moments strung together can make a very happy life filled with simple pleasures, laughter, and true joy.

The luckiest girl in the world.

The past few weeks I have focused on Logan, my husband, my family and having a good summer. I would say so far I have had a great summer, there have been a few moments of stress, but overall life has been very good. (This is where I knock on wood, cross my fingers, and say a little prayer for this to continue.)

I don't ever forget how lucky I am to be surrounded by my family, floating in a lake, drinking a hard lemonade, any day I feel like getting myself out of the house. The best part is my family feels lucky to have me around too!

Fourth of July weekend we celebrated my cousin's thirtieth birthday, my mom's fifty-ninth birthday, my nephew's first birthday and our ninth anniversary - I know, its a BIG weekend in our family. Technically our anniversary and two of the birthdays are on June 29, but we usually celebrate the Saturday before the Fourth. We were also thrilled to be able to talk about my cousin's upcoming wedding, to a woman we love, this September in Florida. This was a busy, but great weekend! At one point my son counted twenty-four people floating off the dock, hanging out on boats, and enjoying the day together. How lucky are we to have so many people coming together to celebrate each other and our lives together!?

Most days this summer Logan and I have gone to the lake and spent the afternoon with my dad and uncle. There have been varied guests - my soon-to-be brother-in-law, a childhood friend and her family, Logan's buddies, Logan's teacher, and many of my parent's friends, but the main cast rarely changes. I love my family, I love the way I was raised, I love the relationship Logan has with my family, I love that my parents tell me they love me everyday of my life - I feel so blessed.

There will be many more days on the lake this summer, and this fall we will all come together in Florida and celebrate the love my cousin shares with his fiance. Its been a long time since we had a big family adventure in Florida, and this one may be the best one yet! A beach side, barefoot wedding, Logan is a ring barer, and I can't wait to part of their day. My husband and I were married under a white archway, lakeside on the lake I've grown up on, leaving by boat with my cousin at the wheel and honestly, the beach is the only other place we would've had our ceremony. So, I am thrilled my cousin chose the beach, and not surprised at all. . . we were raised together and have similar ideas on how to enjoy life. I love him like a brother, Logan calls him Uncle, and we've always been able to count on each other. He was the only one I ever asked how he felt about my husband shortly before we got engaged, what he thought mattered to me, and we had a very honest conversation - I was happy to hear he good things to say.

I hope you all have family in your life, people that have known and loved you longer than anyone else. I am blessed with a son, husband, parents, cousins, aunt and uncle that has been with me every step of the way - we've had our problems, we've had our disagreements, but in the end we always come back together, usually stronger than before. I am lucky - my family loves my unconditionally and they have proved it time and time again.

When I think of the best memories, the best moments in my life, my family is part of almost all of them. Birthdays, vacations, holidays, or just simple moments in time that stay with you always. . . spending time together almost everyday growing up, training our dogs together in 4H, years of tubing/boating/riding waverunners, two weeks in Yellowstone, Christmas vacations in the sun, many beach trips - watching my uncle walk Logan into the Gulf of Mexico for the very first time, and countless hours just floating, talking and being together in the lake. I really do feel like one of the luckiest girls in the world!

Well, I'm going to go call my dad and tell him I love him, maybe you should do the same!