The truth be known . . .

Sometimes it can be hard to be honest with yourself - brutally, deeply, truly honest with yourself. I've known for a long time that my life will be filled with pain, nausea, and the many daily symptoms I endure. I just never really let myself think about what it would really be like to live the rest of my days in this body, until recently.
October 25, 2010 Ava Jean Bryan was born. She was jaundice, but apparently healthy otherwise. Ava's mommy and daddy were thrilled:) After Thanksgiving Ava was having problems keeping down milk and was fussier than usual. Her pediatrician thought she had Acid Reflux. Just before Christmas Ava went in for her normal checkup, but she was dehydrated. The doctor sent her to the hospital for overnight hydration and observation. As Angie held Ava in her arms after the middle of the night feeding, she coded and after being resuscitated was rushed to Riley Hospital in Indianapolis. Ava was admitted to the Pediatric ICU on December 22. At that time she was placed on a ventilator to take stress off her heart. Her heart was enlarged, she was only pumping 10% blood out instead of 50-60%, and she was having many other complicated problems with her health. After a long fight, a few surgeries, a few strokes, and a month on the heart transplant list Ava passed on March 2 surrounded by family/friends. She taught show many adults about courage, strength, love, prayer, and compassion. Ava is a beautiful angel reminding us to keep life in perspective and not be blind to your blessings. For two days we surrounded her with love, prayers, and tears as we said goodbye to our angel. It was a beautiful way to say goodbye... lullabies playing, family praying for peace, hugging/kissing on her, taking her in as long as we could. Now it is our job to carry her memory with us and never forget the gifts she gave us.
There was a lot thought about Ava's future and her quality of life. At one point, Angie asked me how I felt about my future and my own quality of life. Obviously our health issues were very different, but dealing with a life long, disabling disorder is hard on anyone emotionally. Have I ever really, absolutely accepted that this is my life?
The second trigger was this past Tuesday. I took my son to the pediatrician and she said it is time to have him screened for Chiari Malformation and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Again, I knew this day would come, but it still took me off guard. I just hadn't been truly, painfully honest with myself - Logan could have my disorders.
These are two truths I have been aware of, but not really wanted to face head on.
I am truly thankful for the many blessings in my life. I must also allow myself to be just as realistic about other parts of my story...finding balance and honesty within myself.
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." Buddha