I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Throughout my youth I had many medical problems, and several symptoms including pain, but I still worked, played, and was very active. It was after I had started building a massage business, gotten married, and had a one year old that my symptoms became so severe I needed brain surgery. I had a wonderful husband, beautiful son, a home of our own, a blossoming business, and our friends/families around us all the time. . . literally everything I had ever wanted. Obviously having lots of money, or a house on the lake would have been nice, but I had everything I REALLY wanted. I was a massage therapist working with chronic pain patients, I know it's ironic, I scheduled sessions around my family and was able to stay home with Logan when my husband worked. We had just built a house in a town close to our families and Logan had just turned one...then, it all stopped. My pain level skyrocketed, my stomach stopped digesting food, and all my other symptoms went crazy.
Most mother's spend their child's second birthday celebrating, I spent Logan's having brain surgery in NY. (I'll tell you the story of that day in tomorrow's post.) My recovery was long, and hard. I wasn't allowed to be alone with Logan for three months, no diaper changes, no holding him - just snuggles, no bathing him, and it definitely took its toll on my heart. No riding in a car for three months, unless it was for an doctor's appointment, and then everything was extremely limited for three more months after that. I felt pretty good for several months, then my symptoms flared again. Eighteen months after my first surgery I was back in NY for number two, a cranio-cervical fusion. A similar story between surgery number two and three - sixteen months between my fusion and spinal cord detether/discectomy. I made it a whole two years and one month between my third and fourth major surgeries. So far it has been nineteen months since my lumbar fusion/discectomy in December 2009, and there are no surgeries on the horizon. . . At this point I'm knocking on wood, and keeping my fingers crossed.
Unfortunately, it seems like every time I get into a good routine, or start to move forward with my life my symptoms flare, and it all stops again. I'm afraid when I start to really put my heart into this idea, the other shoe will drop and I'll be stuck feeling miserable with scarf orders to fill and a family that needs me. I want this - I have dreamed of turning my creativity into a way to help support my family. Massage therapy is never going to be an option for me again, and working in a conventional setting is difficult when you don't know what days you'll be puking, or in severe pain. There is a reason I've been legally disabled since May 2004, and none of my doctors expect my situation to change - ever. So, this plan makes sense to me. . . I can sit on the couch to tie the scarves, and the dyeing can be done when I am physically able. It sounds like a good plan, but so did my massage therapy business. I'm scared, frustrated, and unsure what to do next.
As usual, I am trying to stay optimistic. I have been able to stay off twenty-four narcotic coverage for three months, and have had reasonable pain control so far.. . my pain level on a scale of one to ten is never a zero, but on a good day is between a one and three. There haven't been any hospital visits due to pain yet, so I'd say it is going well. I use physical therapy, ice, TENS unit, Theracane, meditation, yoga, and meds to keep my symptoms from being out of control, but nothing makes me feel free of pain. What do you do when all you want is a "normal" life, but your body won't allow it? How do you plan the next day, let alone a new business? I don't know what to do, think, or feel. I just want to be able to move forward and not worry that tomorrow I'll be in so much pain I can't even think straight. This is my life, I'm accepting that, but I don't want to feel trapped by my disorders - unable to do anything outside of caring for myself and waiting for the next flare up. (Big sigh.)
So, now that you know my little secret and I've allowed a little time to wallow in self-pity, it is time to stop whining and focus. Its time to decide how to move forward from here and what is the best path - do I proceed with Threads To Dye For, or just make scarves as gifts and for fun? What will benefit my family most, what will make me happy long term? These are the questions I have to ask myself, these are the questions I have been asking myself. . . I think I know the answers, but a little extra thought won't hurt. Hopefully you'll keep reading my blog to see what happens next!
Please, feel free to email me anytime with questions, concerns, or opinions at Zipperhead1978@gmail.com. Obviously I'm not shy about my medical situation, so don't hesitate to ask anything related to any of my disorders or surgeries. Knowledge is key, and over the years I've gained a lot of it when it comes to my medical issues.
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